Connecting with our Parts: Self-Parenting 101
Musings on the personification of the unconscious, part 1: the orphaned infant and “earned” secure attachment
How does one stay connected to self in each moment? What does it mean to be connected to self, and why is that important? On this path there comes a time when the lonely sense of “me” is replaced by a more spacious sense of “us”. I am not alone inside my mind. My “self” is made up of many parts. These parts each have their own realities. They each have their own attitudes, beliefs, and desires. A great deal of suffering can be alleviated through bringing these inner voices out of the shadow of the unconscious, into direct communication with each other. One such voice is that of the orphaned infant.
The orphaned infant is young, innocent, vulnerable, and constantly in need of attention. In individuals who grew up securely attached, the infant is, in a sense, already taken care of. The ongoing care for him occurs at the unconscious level, and not much more needs to be said.
For those who grew up insecurely attached, on the other hand, the wounded infant must be brought into consciousness in order for a relationship of secure attachment to develop. This involves a constant, moment by moment “being with” the infant. The ego self must literally play the role of the parent by soothing the little one through carefully attuned, loving attention.
The consequences of living insecurely attached are painful. Insecurely attached individuals often experience chronic shame. Early needs were not adequately met, and it was either unsafe to protest the caregiver’s inadequacies, or unsafe to perceive the caregivers as flawed, as this would pose a very real survival threat to the young child who depends on his caregivers in every way. In an amazing expression of creativity, the infant internalizes the chronic parental failure as evidence that he himself must be to blame, and in this way he can ignore his unmet needs and keep himself safe from abandonment.
This kind of inner organization tends to live on into adulthood. The insecurely attached individual carries around an infant whose needs are constantly going unmet, and so the shame persists. Once the individual begins the process of earning secure attachment by entering into relationship with the infant, the experience of shame largely disappears (along with most addictive behaviors, which are often fueled by shame).
The commitment to fully take care of the orphaned infant is no small task. As with a real baby, this part of the self cannot be abandoned, even for a minute. So how does one care for him? The infant can be comforted in many ways. One can speak directly to him and give him whatever messages he didn’t receive enough of during early childhood. (One can sometimes discover what those missed messages are by asking the infant directly and patiently waiting for a response, which may not happen for many months if a person is only just beginning this process.) It is often helpful, in the very beginning, to use a teddy bear or some other external object as a representation of the infant within the self. It can be difficult to access this part of the self without first externalizing it.
One can also use self touch to soothe the infant. Kissing her arms (your arms, or the teddy bear’s), giving her a hug (hugging yourself or the teddy bear) singing to her, dancing with her, allowing her to show herself through the body, through the voice, rolling on the floor with her, etc. Sometimes this process involves a kind of stubborn commitment similar to the Buddha sitting under the tree until he reached enlightenment. At times, one must sit down with the anxious infant and commit to not leave until he is soothed. This can feel exhausting, mechanical, and incredibly time-consuming at first, but over time, as the neural circuitry encodes a secure attachment relationship within the self, the job of the ego to parent the infant becomes automatic, instinctual, and no longer requires the amount of attention that was required in the beginning.
What was once regarded as a tedious, burdensome, even embarrassing practice in self-regulation becomes a profound source of joy and self-love, and opportunities to deepen this practice are looked upon with enthusiasm and honor.
Eventually the infant begins to trust that the self will always be there for him, and he begins to quiet down and become a more integrated member of the inner tribe. Before bringing him into consciousness, the infant’s unmet longings and needs expressed themselves in ways that were maladaptive and self-sabotaging. Now the infant plays an active role in a person’s expression and experience of joy, playfulness and curiosity. With safety established, the infant is free to do what he does best: be cute as fuck and draw people closer to him.
As part of this process that might be referred to as “earned secure attachment”, a new, more spacious sense of ‘aloneness’ emerges. One recognizes that a huge chunk of one’s connection needs can actually be met internally, within the self. A new question arises: Exactly how much can I meet my own needs? How much do I need other people? Whereas before, solitude was instinctually avoided, it is now welcomed with a sense of curiosity and eagerness. The need for co-regulation from others becomes less urgent. One might find her connection to nature deepen as well. Somehow the precious wonder of the world has returned.
There is a remarkable kind of freedom in this, though it is not a total freedom. One will quickly see that secure attachment does NOT mean that we’ve somehow transcended our biological wiring as social creatures, but rather that we have relieved others of the burden of holding our unresolved emotional material for us. By holding this ourselves, the capacity to be alone reaches great new heights, and this tends to improve relationships significantly, especially in the realm of the romantic, as it functions to protect from the misery of codependency. The difference between insecure and secure attachment in relationship might be captured in this way:
Insecure: “Here, take my infant child. He’s yours now. I don’t know how to meet his needs, so hopefully you can.”
Secure: “Here, come play with my infant child. Dance with him, hold him if you want. But you can never have him. He’s mine!”
If a person is not in connection with the infant, the easiest way of “earning” secure attachment is through forming attachments to people who themselves are securely attached. Through these relationships the model or “template” of secure attachment is handed down much like a parent teaches her child to ride a bike. Not everyone we form a close relationship with knows how to teach this, and it’s good to choose wisely who we turn to for that secure template. A good therapist should know how to do this.
As with most things in life, different approaches work for different people. The above process has transformed my life in unimaginable ways. It was the way of Carl Jung to personify the unconscious, and there is great power in viewing the self this way. But there are many paths to reach this kind of relationship with oneself, and they don’t all look the same. For some people, a close relationship to their internal image of God may function as a kind of secure attachment. Others may turn to the trees or the moon. Or an orangutan.
