Meet Paley Burlin, LCPC, LMHC
Online and in-person therapist in Maine
Online therapist in Washington State
Emotional Hygiene Coach everywhere else
My story:
For me, the trouble started in adolescence. My parents divorced when I was 12, largely due to my father’s alcoholism. This upheaval of my family brought to the surface a deep sense of resentment and alienation inside me that I felt toward my parents and the world at large. Drug addiction and crime became my outlet. I stopped caring about people, and I stopped caring about myself. It was a very painful period of my life.
Looking back on that period, what I needed was something my family couldn’t provide. Nor could the school system, or the sports coaches, or the music teachers, or the catholic priests. They all meant well, and tried to provide me with some direction, but they couldn’t understand the pain I carried. I couldn’t understand it either at the time. Even though I was well liked by my peers, I felt deeply estranged, like I belonged in some other place and time, to some other community of people.
In indigenous cultures throughout history, adolescent boys would be taken through a formal ritual of initiation into manhood by the male elders in their community. These initiations involved a direct encounter with Spirit, providing a clear starting point on the path to maturity, responsibility, and life purpose. Boys became men by learning to honor the sacred in daily life, following in the footsteps of those who walked the path before them.
The community I was born into had no true elders in that old sense of the word. There was no one there to introduce me to Spirit, which is what I badly needed. Nor were there any meaningful rituals of initiation into adulthood to give my life a clear sense of purpose or direction. With no role models to follow, for most of my adolescence and young adulthood I felt profoundly alone.
Deep down I sensed that I was meant to find a true calling in life, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to follow the conventional path that so easily satisfied my peers. I began to search more intensely for someone who might be the kind of teacher I needed. I traveled all over the world looking for the right kind of teacher. I was blessed to finally find one. This is where my healing process, and my career as a therapist, began.
My approach.
Human beings are wired to bond with others physically and emotionally through a biological process called attachment. We have what's called an attachment system built into our brains which is critical for our survival as a species; without it, we die. This is easy enough to see when we look at newborn babies. They depend completely on their caregivers for their survival.
But how does the attachment system function in people who are old enough to take care of themselves? It doesn’t just go away once we graduate from childhood. It continues to shape our relationship to ourselves and others throughout life, largely out of our awareness.
My approach to therapy is to explore with you the nature of your adult attachment system, which applies to virtually every area of your life. Here are some basic attachment related questions that give you a feel for what I’m talking about:
What is your relationship to intimacy? Do you trust people? Can you be vulnerable with those you love? Do you know how to express yourself and set appropriate boundaries? Do you have a sense of vitality and passion for being alive? Are you able to feel and express difficult emotions like anger and sadness in healthy ways? Can you ask for help when you’re overwhelmed? Can you be kind and gentle to yourself when you’re stressed? Can you be playful and creative? Do you feel nourished by your sexuality?
If you were adequately nurtured by your family growing up, you’d likely answer yes to most of those questions. You would fall into a category of people who are considered securely attached. This doesn't mean everything is perfect, but you're resilient. You can handle the stresses of life without disconnecting from yourself, getting stuck in states of anxiety or depression, or relying too heavily on unhealthy vices to manage your mood.
If you were truly in the securely attached category, you probably wouldn't be here. The hard truth is that most of us were not adequately nurtured by our caregivers growing up, and so we fall onto a spectrum of what is considered insecure attachment. People who are insecurely attached lack some or most of the qualities I listed above. They are prone to anxiety, depression, addictive behavior, and problems in intimate relationships. The two most common forms of insecure attachment are the avoidant style and the anxious style.
My approach to working with you is to locate the areas of your attachment system that are insecure, and teach you how to become secure. I do that by modeling secure behavior and demonstrating what it looks and sounds like. Secure attachment can be learned through hard work and repetition, but it also takes courage to face the emotional pain that many of us spend a lot of time and energy avoiding. I'll be your ally through that process. With consistent effort, secure attachment develops gradually over time; though there will also likely be some “aha” moments of deep insight and healing that will immediately have a positive impact on your life.
I’ll invite you to share your story with me, particularly the parts of your story that are hard to tell. I'll support you in processing and expressing whatever emotions you've buried along the way. I have many tools at my disposal to help you reconnect with those lost parts of yourself. The goal is to help you reclaim the health and vitality you were born with. Life will feel a whole lot more rewarding on the other side.
Credentials & Training.
Education:
MA, Counseling Psychology, specialization in Somatic Psychology — California Institute of Integral Studies (CIIS), San Francisco, CA
BA, Philosophy, Augsburg University — Minneapolis, MN
Credentials/Professional Affiliations:
Maine Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (CC7450)
Washington State Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LH61499324)
Certified Emotional Hygiene Coach — Westfeldt Institute of Emotional Hygiene
Certified Cuddle Therapist (cuddlist.com)
Orphan Wisdom School scholar
Author at the Good Men Project
Member of the American Group Psychotherapy Association (AGPA)
Volunteer with Jericho Circle Project and All Kings, both non-profits within the justice system
Training and Experience:
Extensive training in the Hakomi Method, Internal Family Systems (IFS), breath-work, meditation and guided imagery, Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), and non-violent communication (NVC)
Former bereavement counselor at Pathways Hospice in Oakland, CA
Former crisis counselor at the National Suicide Prevention Hotline
Facilitator of men’s circles at Maine State Prison
USABP conference (United States Association for Body Psychotherapy)
Stephen Porges workshop on Polyvagal theory, multiple
Peter Levine’s Somatic Experiencing workshop
Center for Healing Shame - Unlocking Shame Binds workshop
ASIST Certification (Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training)
Light-Dark Institute intensive
T-Group, Authentic Relating and Circling trainings and process groups
Specialties:
Addiction (especially pornography)
Anxiety
Depression
Grief/bereavement
Codependency/relationship issues
Anger Management
Developmental Trauma/Complex PTSD
Intergenerational Trauma
Populations:
Adults 18 to 80 years of age
Adolescents 14 to 18
LGBTQIA allied